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| Criticwatch 2008 (UPDATED 8/22/08 - Who Let The Whores Out?) |
by Erik Childress
Pete Hammond has been fired from Maxim, but like the cockroaches that they are – there’s a quote whore just waiting out there in the wings to step up and take his place. Who are the quote whores? They are unscrupulous little maggots who wiggle across the junkets and free screenings of America and come up with the most hyperbole-laden praise to ensure their place amongst the by-lines of film ads and commercials. You see, a true quote whore doesn’t write anything but this brand of copy. Most of them you can barely find any info on through a web search. And in this day and age, that’s a pretty rare feat. Of course, not all of the critics at Criticwatch are whores. Some of them are just rampant sluts, giving it up for free with little regard for good taste or the disease they spread through a critical community trying to honestly do their jobs and inform the public with a less-biased opinion through intelligent speech and an eye for what makes a good film. Each year Criticwatch tracks the whores and the sluts, while also trying to offer a counterpoint with actual critics and real writers whom you can trust, if not always agree with. We've named our awards appropriately over the years (“The Peter Travers Whore of the Year Award”, “The Kevin Thomas Sloppy Seconds” and "The Michael Medved Bag of Douche Award")
CRITICWATCH NOTES THIS WEEK
8/22/08 - Who Let the Whores Out?
The answer to that question would be the studios. Yes, welcome once again to the dregs of summer where films go to die just as the kids are going back to school and the count of films not getting screened goes up exponentially. Next week alone we’ll be treated to zero reviews of MGM’s College , Lions Gate's Disaster Movie and Fox's Babylon A.D. (which Variety managed to snag a European review of.) No wonder Fox is suing Warners for some of that impending Watchmen cash. Even Star Wars bailed on Fox this summer, although that may be one for the Fox column. Who will be the first to blurb on those shitpiles-in-waiting? We’ll check in soon as we recap the best and worst quotes of the summer season. In the meantime, let’s start cleaning a little house.
Sony’s The House Bunny, which withheld screenings from the Chicagoland market until Wednesday evening, has dusted off Shawn Edwards (absent from quoting since June's Get Smart; his longest stretch since November-January 2005-06). “Fabulous, fun and fresh! Anna Faris’ charm is infectious,” says Edwards in perhaps the only time you’ll see the words “fresh” and “infectious” uttered in the same breath. Speaking of big, gaping sores, there’s also Paul Fischer calling it “A deliciously funny film. A completely adorable and satisfying gem of a comedy.” Obviously Paul forgot to eat again before the screening and I’m sorry to make any implication between Paul eating while viewing a cast that includes Anna Faris, Emma Stone and Katharine McPhee. Sorry, gals. Just avoid the sweaty guy in the front row.
Speaking of sweaty dudes, Jason Statham clearly has no shame in being featured in films by Uwe Boll and Paul W.S. Anderson in the same calendar year. And while no one with any shame or a working critical brain could possibly like Death Race, Universal has trucked out some of the fringe players including Shawn Edwards’ TV partner, Russ Simmons (no relation to any Def Jam) who lets us know that “Death Race is an action-packed thriller!” More of a description than any due praise. No one could argue that it isn’t action-packed. Clearly there were guns and explosions enducing a constant headache of overedited shakycam shots. Although if you can’t tell what’s happening, does it really count? Really overselling it is Tim Estiloz from The Comcast Network. “Takes the action film genre to new heights of excitement. A high-octane, adrenaline fueled thrill ride.” New heights of excitement? He does realize he’s talking about a Paul W.S. Anderson film, right? Seriously, off the top of your head – what are the best action films or spectacles of the past decade? Peter Jackson’s The Lord of the Rings trilogy? James Cameron’s Titanic? Peter Greengrass’ Bourne entries? Pretty damn fine heights to top. Do you think there will ever be a discussion in the future that includes any single moment or sequence from Death Race on this list?
But my favorite on the Death Race whore list comes from newbie, Manny dela Rosa from NBC-TV. Welcome to the suck, Manny! Calling it “a thrill-a-minute action adventure” is nothing special. But you follow it up with this gem:
“Jason Statham is Hollywood’s new action hero.”
Is this your first movie, Manny? Have you been paying attention or did you just truck on over from the planet Shithead? Hollywood’s NEW action hero? This guy hasn’t been “NEW” since he headlined The Transporter back in 2002. That’s six years worth of new action heroes to consider. Christ, The Rock is a newer action hero and he got anointed by the Last Action Hero himself in The Rundown. In 2003! Transporter 2 in ’05, Crank in ’06, War in ’07, both In the Name of the King and The Bank Job already in 2008. You’re way past the opportunity to call him Hollywood’s new action hero, a guy who still hasn’t hit $44 million with his name above the title. That may change with Death Race, but a $50 million gross won’t exactly crown him a hero in Hollywood, no matter what the preceding adjective. The only thing that’s new this weekend is you, Manny. You want to praise a new action hero from Universal this week, try blurbing Randy Couture for The Scorpion King 2: Rock Free this week.
Oh wait, you’ve been beat to the punch. Easy Petey Hammond has run out of straight-to-video American Pie sequels to whore for, so he’s shifting gears to Universal’s direct-to-DVD Scorpion King Deux. The man literally has no shame to speak of. Especially when you consider that there is no review to be found on Hollywood.com. One of the first rules of spotting a quote whore. Providing verbage directly for the ads without it first appearing in a review of any sort. Hell, I’d feel bad if I just called Pete Hammond a boneheaded, non-stop, blow-you-in-the-back-of-the-theater-or-wherever-he-can-get-his-name-shouted-out hack of a slut whore toolbag. You know, without any context. But I believe I’ve backed up that statement on Criticwatch time and time again through essays, features and flat-out lists proving that with pure scientific know-how. He can’t back up “bone-crushing excitement” because I believe first you have to have a backbone of your own.
2008 Quote Totals (Whores & Sluts)
39 - Jeffrey Lyons
32 - Peter Travers
21 - Pete Hammond
13 - Shawn Edwards
10 - Ben Lyons
8 - Mark S. Allen
7 - Paul Fischer & Carrie Keagan
6 - Earl Dittman, Scott Mantz & Steve Oldfield
5 - Jim Ferguson, Harry Knowles, Sandie Newton & James Thomas
4 - Ted Baehr, Bill Bregoli, Bryan Erdy, Jeffrey K. Howard & Janet Stokes
3 - Roger Friedman, Mike Sargent & Jeanne Wolf
2 - Pat Collins, Jeff Craig, Julie Harkness, Prairie Miller, Mose Persico, Renee Shapiro & Rachel Smith
1 - Steven Chupnick, Kelli Gillespie, Bonnie Laufer & Chuck Thomas
2008 Quote Totals (Caveat Emptor)
31 - Variety
30 - Claudia Puig
24 - Owen Gleiberman
14 - The Hollywood Reporter
12 - Leonard Maltin
11 - Ain’t It Cool News & Dennis Dermody
10 - Rafer Guzman
9 - Gene Shalit & Elizabeth Weitzman
7 - Thelma Adams, Carrie Rickey &Leah Rozen
6 - Jeannette Catsoulis, Nathan Lee & Bob Strauss
5 - Mick LaSalle & Jason Lynch
4 - Dan Jewel, Roger Moore, Dean Richards & Matt Zoller Seitz
3 - Bloody-Disgusting, Avi Offer & Kyle Smith
2 - Stephen Hunter, Christy Lemire & Stephen Schaefer
1 - Karen Berg & Larry King
2008 Quote Totals (Critics You Can Trust)
32 - Richard Roeper & A.O. Scott
27 - Manohla Dargis
25 - Roger Ebert
21 - Rex Reed
20 - David Edelstein
19 - Stephen Holden
18 - Marshall Fine & Andrew Sarris
17 - Richard Corliss & Karen Durbin
15 - Lisa Schwarzbaum
14 - Michael Phillips
13 - Joe Morgenstern & Kenneth Turan
12 - David Ansen & Lou Lumenick
11 - Cinematical
10 - John Anderson
8 - David Denby, J. Hoberman & Andrew O'Hehir
7 - Ty Burr, Carina Chocano & Scott Foundas
6 - Ann Hornaday & Joshua Rothkopf
5 - Film Threat, Troy Patterson & John Powers
4 - Rossiter Drake, Bruce Handy & Ruthe Stein
3 - John Hartl & Peter Hartlaub
1 - Robert Wilonsky
READ THE LATEST IN CRITICWATCH
Criticwatch 2007 - The Whores of the Year and the Axing of Pete Hammond
Criticwatch 2007 - Know Your Shit, Period!
- The Vindication of Awards?
- 2006 Whores of the Year
- The Whores of Summer and the Embargoes They Break
- Critics vs. Whores: Where Is The Sky Falling?
Read All The Articles In The Criticwatch Series - HERE[/big]
CRITIC LIST
THE BIG 2 (& OUR AWARD NAMES)
Peter Travers (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Kevin Thomas (Los Angeles Times) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006)
THE WHORES
Byron Allen
Mark S. Allen (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Bill Bregoli (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Steven Chupnick (2007)
Pat Collins (2007)
Jeff Craig (2003) (2007)
Bill Diehl (2005) (2006)
Earl Dittman (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Shawn Edwards (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Bryan Erdy (2007)
Guy Farris (2005)
Paul Fischer (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Jim Ferguson (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Roger Friedman (2006) (2007)
Jeffrey K. Howard (2003) (2006) (2007)
Carrie Keagan
Harry Knowles (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Joanna Langfield
Bonnie Laufer (2007)
Stuart Lee
Scott Mantz (2005) (2006) (2007)
Bill McCuddy
Melanie Moon (2007)
Sandie Newton
Steve Oldfield (2005) (2006) (2007)
Mose Persico (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Richard Reid
Greg Russell (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Maria Salas (2005) (2006) (2007)
Mike Sargent (2003) (2005) (2007)
J.P. Sarni (Sirius Satellite Radio)
Fred Saxon (2003) (2004)
Todd David Schwartz (CBS Radio)
Renee Shapiro
David Sheehan (2003) (2004) (2006)
Clay Smith (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006)
Lisa Stanley (2006) (2007)
Kevin Steincross
Jim Svejda (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Chuck “The Movie Guy” Thomas (2005) (2006) (2007)
James Thomas
Fred Topel
Tony Toscano (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006)
Jeanne Wolf (2003) (2005) (2006) (2007)
TELEVISION
Alison Bailes (Reel Talk)
Paul Clinton (CNN) (2003)
Roger Ebert (Ebert & Roeper) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Sara Edwards (CN8 – The Comcast Network) (2005)
Tim Estiloz (CN8 – The Comcast Network)
Kelli Gillespie (XETV-TV San Diego) (2007)
Sam Hallenbeck (NBC-TV/Tampa)
Julie Harkness (Made In Hollywood)
Larry King (Larry King Live) (2003) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Joyce Kulhawik (Hot Ticket!) (2003)
Ben Lyons (E!) (2006) (2007)
Jeffrey Lyons (WNBC-TV) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Leonard Maltin (Entertainment Tonight) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Jim O'Brien (News Channel 5)
Richard Roeper (Ebert & Roeper) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Neil Rosen (NY-1) (2006)
Gene Shalit (The Today Show) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Joel Siegel (Good Morning America) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006)
Rachel Smith (KVVU Las Vegas) (2007)
Patrick Stoner ("Flicks" PBS)
"Two Thumbs Up" (Ebert & Roeper) (2003)
Sarah Zapp (The Comcast Network)
Bill Zwecker (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006)
OTHER TV
THE MAGAZINES
Thelma Adams (US Weekly) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
John Anderson (Newsday) (2006) (2007)
David Ansen (Newsweek) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Karen Berg (OK!) (2007)
Jess Cagle (People) (2005)
Richard Corliss (Time) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Julia Dahl (Marie Claire)
David Denby (The New Yorker) (2006) (2007)
Dennis Dermody (Paper) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Karen Durbin (Elle) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
David Edelstein (Slate / New York Magazine) (2006) (2007)
Stephen Farber (Movieline / Hollywood Life) (2006)
David Fear (Time Out New York) (2006)
Marshall Fine (Star) (2006) (2007)
Aaron Gell ("O")
Owen Gleiberman (Entertainment Weekly) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Rafer Guzman (Newsday)
Pete Hammond (Maxim) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Bruce Handy (Vanity Fair) (2007)
Logan Hill (New York Magazine) (2006)
The Hollywood Reporter (2007)
In Touch Magazine (2006)
Dan Jewel (Life & Style Weekly) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Glenn Kenny (Premiere) (2003) (2005) (2006)
Jason Lynch (People)
Andrew O'Hehir (Salon) (2007)
Troy Patterson (Spin) (2007)
John Powers (Vogue) (2007)
Stephen Rebello (Playboy)
Rebecca Rothbaum (O)
Leah Rozen (People) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Richard Schickel (Time) (2003)
Gene Seymour (Newsday)
Lisa Schwarzbaum (Entertainment Weekly) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Jan Stuart (Newsday) (2005)
Ken Tucker (New York Magazine)
Variety (2007)
THE NEWSPAPERS
Jami Bernard (New York Daily News)
John Black (Boston Metro)
Ty Burr (The Boston Globe) (2007)
Jeannette Catsoulis (The New York Times) (2007)
Carina Chocano (Los Angeles Times) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Mike Clark (USA Today)
Kevin Crust (Los Angeles Times)
Manohla Dargis (Los Angeles Times) (2003) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Rossiter Drake (San Francisco Examiner)
Scott Foundas (L.A. Weekly) (2007)
John Hartl (Seattle Times)
Peter Hartlaub (San Francisco Chronicle)
J. Hoberman (Village Voice) (2007)
Stephen Holden (The New York Times) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Ann Hornaday (The Washington Post)
Stephen Hunter (The Washington Post) (2007)
Mick LaSalle (San Francisco Chronicle) (2006) (2007)
Nathan Lee (The New York Times) (2006) (2007)
Lou Lumenick (New York Post) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Jack Mathews (NY Daily News) (2005)
Elvis Mitchell (The New York Times) (2003)
Roger Moore (The Orlando Sentinel) (2007)
Joe Morgenstern (The Wall Street Journal) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Rob Nelson (The Village Voice)
Michael Phillips (Chicago Tribune) (2007)
Claudia Puig (USA Today) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Rex Reed (The New York Observer) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Carrie Rickey (The Philadelphia Inquirer) (2007)
Jim Ridley (The Village Voice)
Joshua Rothkopf (Time Out New York) (2007)
Andrew Sarris (The New York Observer) (2003) (2007)
Stephen Schaefer (Boston Herald) (2007)
A.O. Scott (The New York Times) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Liz Smith (New York Post)
Ella Taylor (L.A. Weekly)
Matt Zoller Seitz (The New York Times) (2007)
Kyle Smith (The New York Post) (2006) (2007)
Ruthe Stein (San Francisco Chronicle) (2007)
David Sterritt (The Christian Science Monitor)
Bob Strauss (Los Angeles Daily News) (2005) (2007)
Kenneth Turan (Los Angeles Times) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Elizabeth Weitzman (NY Daily News) (2007)
Armond White (NY Press)
Stephen Whitty (The Star Ledger)
Michael Wilmington (Chicago Tribune) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007)
Robert Wilonsky (Dallas Observer) (2007)
ASSOCIATED PRESS
David Germain (2005)
Christy Lemire (2005) (2006) (2007)
RADIO
Michael Medved (2007)
Prairie Miller (2007)
Dean Richards (WGN Radio Chicago) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2007)
Jan Wahl
THE WEB
Ain’t It Cool News
Ted Baehr (Movieguide) (2007)
Bloody-Disgusting (2007)
Chris Carle (IGN.com)
Cinematical (2007)
eFilmCritic.com (2006)
Fangoria
Film Threat (2006) (2007)
Avi Offer (The NYC Movie Guru) (2007)
ORGANIZATIONS
Janet Stokes (Film Advisory Board) (2006) (2007)
CRITICWATCH CREEDO
Since 2003, eFilmCritic’s Criticwatch has kept a watchful eye on the film reviewer community. And in that time, we’ve been called a lot of names.
Angry. Boring. Jealous. Scum.
So why do we scour movie ads every day and call out the biggest whorebags in entertainment journalism?
Heck. We do it for the kids.
Often, people will ask what it takes to be called a ‘quotewhore’ by our panel of blurb snoops. In that respect, the Criticwatch Credo is fairly simple; yes, it’s okay to have poor taste once in a while. Yes, it’s okay to get quoted in movie ads. Yes, it’s okay to be a little generous about the movies you’re reviewing.
Where things go skewiff is when you’re ALWAYS being quoted in the ads for movies that are flat out awful - films that nobody else will touch. Or if you’re writing for some obscure radio station in Oshkosh Wisconsin, yet your name is all over the trailers for the biggest releases every week. Or if you just happen to have a great blurb for a movie that is so bad that it isn’t being shown to critics.
From the beginning, Criticwatch has always been about who you can trust.
Some of the critics on our list are junketeers. They get flown out to LA and New York by the Hollywood studios and treated like royalty, in return for five minutes with a celebrity and a favorable review.
Others are Scoop Sluts. They sneak into word of mouth screenings and rush off to the computer when they get home so they can be the first to tell everyone how "AWESOME!" [sic] the latest big budget action piece of ridiculousness is.
But the ones that really yank our chain are the Quote Whores.
These guys just don’t care about the art of cinema, nor film journalism. To them, it doesn’t matter if their words convince you and your family to waste $60 on a terrible movie, just as long as they get a little mention in the trailer. To these douchebags, everything is a "masterwork" and an "instant classic" and the "most hilarious comedy of the year". Nothing is ever bad to a quotewhore.
To immortalize the worst offenders, we’ve named our annual awards after the absolute bottom end of the industry; namely “The Peter Travers Whore of the Year Award”, “The Kevin Thomas Sloppy Seconds Award” and "The Michael Medved Bag of Douche Award".
Finally, it must be said that not everyone who offers a positive blurb for a terrible movie makes our list. Roger Ebert liked Garfield… Bad taste hits everyone, once in a while. It’s okay to get one wrong - or even a few.
But if a film critic sells out the general public on anything close to a consistent basis, we will call them out publicly.
Please, before you pay money to watch a movie, check back here and make sure that the guy telling you I Am Legend is the "One of the Greatest Movies Ever Made" knows what the hell he’s talking about.
2008 CRITICWATCH ARCHIVE
8/8/08 - Peter Travers Ruins Pineapple Express For Everyone
So did I ever tell you the story of how Rolling Stone’s Peter Travers ruined Pineapple Express for me? No? Well it was just this last Monday when the Chicago media was finally allowed to see the film. Despite two, three and up to eight screenings in other markets like Orlando, Austin, D.C. Kansas City and parts of Ohio, Sony and their local Allied representation decided to only provide a single option for most of Chicago’s critics. This despite being at least a half-dozen confirmed screenings prior to the Monday before the Wednesday opening. As a colleague remarked, “it’s not like critics have any interest in a David Gordon Green film or anything.” Any one of those earlier screenings could have prevented the unfortunate moment where I was taken out of the film within the first 10 minutes. And that’s all due to Peter Travers.
You see, he’s got this big fat quote plastered all over the newspaper ads. Not to mention his “hot box of crazy” that’s running on television as if anyone cares. Have you seen the other quote though?
“This is like if Superbad met Midnight Run and they had a baby, and then Pulp Fiction and True Romance met Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared and they had a ababy, and by some miracle those babies met – this would be the funny movie they birthed.”
Now, that might be a clever little Southern-fried by way of Idiocracy’s prologue way of describing the movie to your friends. Except its nothing more than a play on the very mini-speech that James Franco delivers to Seth Rogen in order to sell him on the excellence of Pineapple Express (the weed, not the movie.) For the next several minutes, I could do nothing but think of what an unimaginative hack d-bag that Travers is. Kinda makes you wonder if the extension of his quote “You’ll go limp from laughing!” is something he said during a pants party weekend with Pete Hammond.
Speaking of pants parties, there’s a certain Sisterhood movie opening this week as well. Warner Bros. whore du jour, Mark S. Allen is up for it calling it “better than the original!” But his quote isn’t nearly as disturbing as the one from In Touch magazine:
“The fiercest female foursome since Sex and the City.”
I’m sure parents the world over are happy that this young female cast is being compared to the most loathsome, materialistic whore bitches this side of a Kardashian/Hilton get together. But it also had me thinking what other freakin’ fierce female foursome there has been since that scourge on cinema hit in May? Kung Fu Panda only had one cougar (actually tigress) in their crew. There was only one Mother of Tears. Only one Anne Hathaway, Angelina Jolie and Charlize Theron kicking ass in each of their films. Mamma Mia had a threesome of bad singers. What about television? There’s only three whoo-wers on Lipstick Jungle. Help me out. How many are there on Cashmere Mafia? Army Wives? Footballer’s Wives? Desperate Housewives? Gossip Girl? Grey’s Anatomy? Private Practice? Is Sisterhood Deux supposed to be associated with such riff-raff? Maybe I’m not as in touch as I’m supposed to be.
8/1/08 - Ben Lyons Agrees With ME?
So I haven’t had much to say about the “revamping” of the Siskel & Ebert/Ebert & Roeper program with aspiring quote whore, Ben Lyons. Mostly because, as a result, I’ve found myself with the rare case of vomit spewing from my fingertips as well as my mouth and bowels making it unable for me to type, let alone speak or enjoy the written word of a good book; something I recommend Ben look into. Both the written word and the bout of Montezuma.
This morning I was forwarded a piece from Rush & Malloy that quotes not only the Jeffrey/Ben tandem of Lyons, but also yours truly (taken not from a direct interview, but previously published pieces.) In it, the elder Lyons (who once took over for Sneak Previews when Siskel & Ebert got their names big enough for the marquee) blasts people for daring to suggest that nepotism was involved in getting little Ben Fontelroy his new gig.
“[My son] Ben and I are on two separate networks and different coasts. If anything, I'd have less pull getting him on."
OK, maybe not directly. But let’s not forget that aside from donating sperm to a toilet seat, Ben was a semi-regular addition to Jeffrey’s ultra-lame Reel Talk show. (Who got him that job?) Next thing you know he’s on E! and then at age 26, taking over for, without argument, two of the most influential professional film critics who ever lived. Everyone knows by now how I feel about last year’s #7 ranking quote whore and I’m actually the only one directly quoted in the piece entitled “Jeffrey Lyons pans son’s critics.” As if I’m the only one.
A source close to the Lyons’ has told me that:
“Ben Lyons is the worst kind of studio kiss-up, even more than his father. His pieces on E! are pure fluff and I honestly don't believe he has a serious critical bone in his body, even when compared to his father. No one under 30 watches that show, maybe no one under 40, and I don't think putting Ben Lyons on the show will change that.”
There you have it. I’d like to think a serious (yet fun and engaging) show can be crafted on film criticism, similar to ESPN’s Around the Horn or Pardon the Interruption (the latter a direct descendant of Siskel & Ebert) taking on all sorts of topics to merge all ages and not the “inside information” that Ben Lyons has said would bring something to the new bastardization. I’m not an unfair guy though. I’m actually willing to take in the new show and see how it plays out. It could take all of one episode for the word vomit to begin flowing again, but I’ll lay off for now. Besides, ol’ Ben said he did agree with me on one point. “My dad is on the box for Juwanna Mann.”
Could any pseudo-homoerotic, sex-changing statement sum up Jeffrey Lyons better? How would you like to have a dad who liked Juwanna Mann? How would you like to have a dad who knew what the hell Juwanna Mann was? You know what else Jeffrey liked? The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor!
“It’s about as good as a summer action, thrill-a-minute adventure movie gets.”
From the guy who already called Iron Man “A thrill-a-minute blockbuster!”, Narnia’s Prince Caspian as “a thrilling adventure” and Journey to the Center of the Earth “a superb family adventure!” This latest quote puts Jeff in the 13% of critics (per Rotten Tomatoes) that approve of the third Mummy entry, a film that a pair of colleagues called “the worst film of the summer” (2008 being the summer of The Happening and The Love Guru) and another who said it’s bad “even by Rob Cohen standards.” Rob Cohen, of xXx and Stealth infamy. Even Pete Hammond slammed the film. You would have to go all the way down to Uwe Boll’s Postal to find a film that was reviewed worse this summer and even that’s pushing it in terms of high-profile. Unless it can find a way to crack the twentieth percentile, The Mummy Tres will rank below both the aforementioned The Happening and The Love Guru on the Tomatometer. Do everyone a favor, Jeff. Just stop helping. Whatever or whomever it may be.
7/21/08 - Taking Another Swing At Hammond
Ads have been running for weeks now on Disney’s upcoming political comedy, Swing Vote. So much so that you may be tired of them by now. Let’s just see the damn movie already. Many of us would like to except Disney is holding most of its press screenings until the week of its release. We know one guy that’s seen it though. He’s even plastered all over the ads:
“Swing Vote is a landslide comedy winner. It's smart, witty and a non-stop laugh machine. Kevin Costner is pitch-perfect in the one movie that is so inspiring you'll stand up and cheer.” - Pete Hammond
How many frickin’ quote whore clichés did Hammond work into that one? He puns the title, goes with the pitch-perfect and caps it off with the classic stand up and cheer line. I don’t even want to see it after that. I’ll be on vacation when it screens in Chicago anyway. But how pathetic. Try playing Mad-Libs with Hammond. I guarantee he fills in the blank with the same verbs and adjectives every time. Just like his brain. In related braindead news, Ben Lyons is out saying that American Teen is “A modern day Breakfast Club that will make you stand up and cheer.” Jeez, wonder where he got that idea?
7/13/08 - WHO IS TRAVERS KIDDING?
A few weeks back we commented on Peter Travers’ nearly full month early rave of The Dark Knight. While the rest of us sit on our embargoed praise, Travers is out there throwing adjectives around to guarantee his little Rolling Stone rag will have top placement come the first ads; a fact confirmed as he has received the sole quote in Sunday’s New York Times:
“A thunderbolt is about to rip into the blanket of bland we call summer movies. FEVERISH ACTION? Check. DAZZLING SPECTACLE? Check. DEVILISH FUN? Check. Just hang on for a shock to the system. Every actor brings his “A” game to show the lure of the dark side. The haunting and visionary Dark Knight soars on the wings of untamed imagination.”
Whether or not I agree with him is immaterial. You can read my review at the site on Thursday when most professionals get to unleash their Oscar-bait praise. But it’s the first part of Travers’ quote that I take umbrage with. The blanket of bland that we call summer movies? If Travers was some high-falutin’ critic on the arthouse beat who looked at the blockbuster season with the same pretense of those who claim not to own televisions, that would be some pretty hefty praise for The Dark Knight. Except he’s not a high-falutin’ critic. He’s Peter Travers. And reading his quotes would hardly leave you with the impression that he’s been bored with the same shit, different week of this summer. Just on quotes alone, in eleven weeks of the summer season we’ve had so far, Travers has jerked it seven times for major releases.
Iron Man - Spectacular…Iron Man kicks off summer on a blazing high note and practically dares the competition to measure up. It’s been years since a movie superhero was this fierce and this funny. You can feel the exhilaration.
Speed Racer - Visually the movie is a powerhouse.
Sex and the City - Snap out of it, guys, you just might learn something. Sarah Jessica Parker is funny, touching and vital.
Get Smart - Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway spark off of each other.
Wanted - I love it. Sexy, built to thrill.
Hancock - Hugely entertaining! Jason Bateman never makes a false move and a stellar Charlize Theron springs her own bolts from the blue…As for Will Smith, he’s on fire. There’s nothing like a star shining on his highest beams. You follow him anywhere.
Hellboy II: The Golden Army - Hellboy II is a surprise package of fun and untamed imagination.
OK, so that’s not every major release of the ’08 summer. Where’s WALL-E, Journey to the Center of the Earth or The Incredible Hulk? Oh wait, found them.
The Incredible Hulk - "The latest spin on the Marvel comic-book hero delivers the popcorn goods."
WALL-E - "No movie can be a downer that fills you with pure exhilaration. You leave WALL-E with a feeling of the rarest kind: that you've just enjoyed a close encounter with an enduring classic."
Journey to the Center of the Earth - "I don't know if 3-D could improve all movies (nothing could make The Love Guru funny) but it sure works here."
So he didn’t like The Love Guru. What a stretch! If you check out his reviews from May until this weekend at Rotten Tomatoes, he’s gone positive on 19 of the 25 films. He also panned Meet Dave (which Jeffrey Lyons said reminded him of Being There), You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, Narnia Deux and, of all things, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal S | |
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